Monday, April 26, 2010


I was outside with the kids the other day working on their baseball skills. Myles's baseball season is about to start and Savannah's class has been playing baseball in gym class. So, they wanted to show me how awesome they are. Myles is in the 6th grade now and is probably stronger than me. And, athletically speaking, I'm not so talented. We have a very strict wiffle ball policy at our house to hopefully eliminate the need to constantly replace windows on our house as well as the neighbors' houses. And since I have been operating under the delusion that wiffle balls will not break our windows and playing with the kids would not result in my death or disfiguration.

A few years ago, I had gone up to the baseball fields with Myles to pitch to him and give him a chance to practice his batting. That's when I learned that pitching is not my forte. I hit him with more pitches than he hit. So, when pitching to him in the front yard, I was fully prepared to suck at pitching again. However, when standing closer to Myles and throwing a wiffle ball, my accuracy was greatly improved. However, he has studied all of his major league heroes swings and tries to hit the ball 4 blocks down the road each time. I am completely convinced that I have an 11 year old Barry Bonds on my hands.

I pitched the very first pitch to him and he hit it. A mere nano second passed before I heard the whistle of the ball flying centimeters from my ear.

"MYLES!" I hollered at him. "Do not try to kill me!"

He just laughed and got ready for the next pitch. I threw the ball, and WHAP! The ball came flying directly back at me and smacked into my chest. HARD! I'm pretty sure there is still a wiffle ball imprint there. And let me tell you those suckers hurt. And I'd be lying if I told you that this particular wiffle ball line drive didn't bring tears to my eyes. But, I choked them back, ignored his laughter and suppressed my desire to hit him with the next pitch.

Savannah stepped up offering to pitch to him, but I was afraid she might end up decapitated.

"DO NOT HIT HER PITCHES AS HARD AS YOU CAN!" I warned him. Then I walked over to the front porch to sit down and try to regain a normal heart rhythm.

Savannah pitched the ball and, having learned from watching me, immediately hit the deck.

We continued on in this manner for a while. Pitch. Hit the deck. And repeat. I think it was an excellent method since Savannah never got hit.

Then, Savannah decided it was her turn to hit. This was going to be more my speed, I figured. I was wrong again. Once again I threw the ball and once again the ball came flying at the speed of light back at me, this time hitting me on the side of the head smashing my glasses into my nose.

"SAVANNAH!" I hollered again. "Are you guys trying to kill me?" Both of the kids were giggling again.

"I'll pitch to her, Mom," Myles said, regaining his composure.

I went over to the front porch to sit down and tend to my new concussion. I'm heading out to Scheels tomorrow to buy my self some protective gear. I'm thinking the full catcher's pads and helmet should do the trick. Otherwise, this will be my new look:

Thursday, April 15, 2010

What a Day!

I bought myself some very pretty flowers yesterday. So spring-y, so pretty. And today, I decided to take them to work with me to brighten up my desk. Of course I had already put them in water and dumped in the special packet of flower-keep-em-alive magic powder, so the water was coming along too. I drove with my pretty flowers safely tucked between my legs and drove carefully so as not to arrive to work looking as though I have a bladder control problem. Unfortunately, I had bigger problems awaiting me.

While, driving down Maple Street in way west Omaha, a turkey darted out in front of me, roadrunner style, and I slowed to let him scoot across. But, since turkeys are not the brightest of big fat delicious birds, it decided that it should attempt flight. That put it in a direct collision course with my windshield.
So, I think I killed me my first turkey. Weapon of choice = PT Cruiser. Some kids play PT Cruiser Bruiser. I play PT Cruiser KILLER.
So, it smashed into my windshield shattering it and sending tiny bits of glass all over the car. I'm not sure of the outcome for the turkey, but I don't imagine he walked away. Neither did my windshield. So, I pulled into a nearby parking lot and called my mom.
(At what age do we stop calling our mother's in an emergency? Probably never. At least for me. And, luckily she still comes to my rescue every single time. Thanks Mama.)

So, I got out, brushed off most of the glass on my clothes. Dumped the glass out of my shoes. And started swearing. A lot. There was a police officer sitting on the side of the road nearby. He didn't bother to come see if I was ok. I guess the stream of foul language flowing from my mouth left him with no worries about my well-being.
Anyhow, I drove myself to work, feeling the stares of all my fellow drivers. "Holy crap! Look at her car! There's a feather sticking out of her windshield!" I would rather get attention for being so cute and driving such a cute car, not the pitying and questioning glances I was getting. Once at work, I could feel every tiny piece of glass that I had missed in my shoes. Step. Stab. Step. Stab.

On the bright side, with all of that glass all over me, I sparkle like Edward Cullen. Maybe I'll be mistaken for a vampire today. I always suspected that Edward and I were destined to be together.

(By the way, I learned this week that Anne Bancroft was 35 years old when she played Mrs. Robinson. I am 35 years old. I could be Mrs. Robinson.)

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Minute To Win It

Have you seen the show? We love it. It has some really great, fun games. The kids have been challenging themselves after watching the contestants play the games. This past Wednesday, we were watching the show and the contestant was playing "Don't Blow the Joker". She tried 3 different times, but failed. The way you play is by putting a deck of cards on top of a bottle. The bottom card of the deck needs to be the joker, face up. Then you have to blow the cards off of the top of the bottle, leaving only the joker. After watching the contestant fail the challenge, we pulled out a deck of cards and a plastic bottle and gave it a try. Myles did it on his very first try. Oh, if only he had been on the show he'd have just won $100,000!

So, we took a video of Myles and Savannah doing the challenge side by side and posted it on YouTube. Here is the video:

After posting it last night, I received an email from someone who works for the show. They want to use the video on the show! Myles and Savannah are about to become famous!! We are now going to be attempting all of the challenges and posting videos. I'm recommending that they do a kids show.